These are crazy times for all of us. We are facing a pandemic, the likes of which the world has not seen since 1918! Our world is so complicated and interdependent that everything is topsy turvy! What will happen? Will someone I love die or will I die? How long will it last? And yet, amidst all this chaos and uncertainty, something I’m hearing all over is that love has become the most important priority in people’s lives. People are honoring and cherishing their loved ones like never before. Zoom is stretched thin with people wanting to connect visually with loved ones or meet new ones! I’ll bet that online dating sites will blow up! Everyone wants love all the time, but you get distracted by going to work, going to the gym, visiting friends and family, going out to dinner, going to the movies, going shopping….going, going, going.
Well, let’s take a deep breath right now. All of that is stopped for now, and it looks like it will 10-12 weeks before anything opens again. So, what do we do? Why does it take a pandemic to focus on love, anyway? Let’s start with a bit of exploration about our priorities. Our society teaches men to hide their feelings and never even admit to themselves that they are just as needy and dependent as women are. And women are taught to twist themselves into whatever their man wants because security only comes from marriage and children. This is NOT a recipe for true intimacy! Maybe now we can begin to make real inroads into that paradigm and break free to be ourselves and to develop true closeness on all levels!
Now that you are clear about your intention to make love your top priority, here we go. Let’s start with something that is foundational to intimacy and that is the reality of Oneness. Oneness has never been so obvious as it is right now. There are no borders that keep out the disease. We are all in this together. It’s a sad example of Oneness but it makes Oneness clear nonetheless. Everyone pretends that Oneness isn’t real, that we are NOT part of the same Oneness. You pretend that you can hurt your partner without hurting yourself. But, you can’t, because you are one. Even more subtle, perhaps is the belief that you can hurt yourself and not hurt those close to you. Think of the young people who insisted on going to the beaches in Florida for Spring Break, thinking they were the only ones who might be affected by their actions.
Now that we are awake because of the pandemic, can we learn to treat each other differently? Can you remember from now on that your top priority is love and connection? Can you learn how to overcome all the distractions and ego domination of your old lives? So, what will it take? What do you need to do to get where you want to go from here?
The overall strength and skill needed for sacred sexuality and for love in general is consciousness. It will take consciousness/awareness and commitment to develop the skills to reach the intimacy you dream of. And you CAN learn these skills. There are many coaches and teachers who can offer to teach you these skills. And all of you know how to do research on Google. So, I’m going to stay with the general principles needed to enhance love. Once you know realize we are One, then you get to learn how to LIVE that principle. You get to learn how to truly have compassion and understanding for the other person, to see them as having as much value in every conversation and every decision.
The one tool I’m going to mention directly is the ability to be curious instead of reactive! The reason I’m going into this particular tool is that if every couple developed the ability to notice when each is being reactive and to say so, Wow! What a different world it would be! After noticing that you are feeling/having a reaction, what if you could smoothly shift into being curious…and say, “I wonder why I’m reacting? I wonder what that triggers inside me?” And if each person were willing to explore that, be curious about their own reactions first, dive into the past for the origin of your sensitivity to that comment, you’d see that it has nothing to do with this particular person. It’s an interpretation based on something someone did or said decades ago! Even if it’s a mean comment, your inability to stay neutral is from the past. Otherwise, you’d just say, “Wow, that was mean. I wonder what is going on with you that you said that?” So, first, get curious about your reactions.
Then, you can be curious about what the other person is feeling, even if they are the ones reacting. When you can both learn to be curious, there are very few conflicts after that. And, even if you are the only one who has mastered this powerful tool, you can lead the way in a completely different direction in most conversations. Your mutual curiosity can lead a much more accurate understanding of the other person and of yourself. You will develop much more compassion, safety, closeness, relaxation and intimacy by being curious. And, many of you have nothing but time to do that powerful work right now! Ask your partner how they are feeling? Ask them why they are feeling that way. Ask them what has gotten triggered by the pandemic. Ask them what THEY would like to be like on the other side of this pandemic? Discuss what you both would like co-create in your relationship during this time of sheltering at home. Set intentions and discuss what it would take to fulfill them. There’s no more powerful focus that this! And there’s probably never going to be a chance like this again in our lifetimes.
So, take it on! Love in the time of COVID-19 can be a thing to behold! It can be a fabulous opportunity to see the Oneness, live the Oneness and break through old patterns of reactivity. Let’s create peace at home and open the door to peace on earth as we do so! Who knows what we can create in this wonderful time of shifting energies!